Reclaiming Joy: Learning to Feel Safe in Happiness Again

For many trauma survivors, joy feels risky. When you've spent years—sometimes a lifetime—bracing for the next bad thing, happiness can seem unfamiliar, even threatening. You might wonder: When will it be taken away? Do I even deserve this?

In The Trauma Monster, Barb Dorrington acknowledges this struggle with tenderness and truth. She reminds us that joy is not the absence of trauma—it’s the quiet rebellion against it.

Why Joy Feels Uncomfortable After Trauma

Trauma wires our brains for survival, not joy. When you’ve been hurt or blindsided, your nervous system learns to stay alert, scanning for danger even when things are calm. This state—called hypervigilance—makes it hard to relax, laugh, or enjoy the moment without feeling exposed or vulnerable.

You may find yourself:

• Feeling anxious when things are going “too well”

• Distrusting peaceful moments or assuming they won’t last

• Minimizing or avoiding joy because it feels unsafe

• Feeling guilty for being happy when others are suffering

These reactions aren’t “wrong”—they’re adaptive. They helped you survive. But they don’t have to guide you forever.

The Power of Allowing Joy

Reclaiming joy isn’t about pretending trauma never happened. It’s about making space for more than just pain. It’s about teaching your body and mind that you can feel good and be safe at the same time.

As Barb writes in The Trauma Monster, even brief moments of light can shift the nervous system. Joy doesn’t have to be loud. It can be gentle, fleeting, even silent. And it still counts.

Steps to Rebuild Your Relationship with Joy

1. Start Small

Don’t force yourself to feel joy. Instead, notice when it naturally arises. A child’s laugh, the smell of coffee, the warmth of the sun. These are what Deb Dana calls “glimmers”—tiny signals of safety and connection.

2. Name the Feeling

When you do feel joy, say it out loud or write it down: “This is what calm feels like.” “I’m laughing and I feel safe.” Naming joy makes it more familiar to the brain and body.

3. Let Go of Guilt

You are not betraying your pain by feeling happy. You are expanding your capacity. Joy and sorrow can exist in the same breath.

4. Create Joy Rituals

Intentionally add joy to your routine—a walk in nature, dancing to a song, calling someone who makes you laugh. These rituals help normalize pleasure and safety.

5. Surround Yourself with Support

Spend time with people who celebrate your healing and don’t make you feel guilty for your growth.

Joy Is Not a Luxury—It’s a Birthright

Reclaiming joy is an act of courage. It says: I’ve suffered, but I am not only my suffering. I deserve to feel lightness again.

As Dorrington gently reminds us, the goal isn’t to live in constant joy—it’s to let it back in. To allow it. To feel safe enough to experience the full range of life, from grief to laughter, from pain to peace.

Your joy is not fragile—it’s resilient. And it’s waiting for you to come home to it. One glimmer at a time.