For many trauma survivors, joy feels risky. When you have spent years, sometimes a lifetime, bracing for the next bad thing, happiness can seem unfamiliar, even threatening. You might wonder when it will be taken away, or whether you even deserve it.
In The Trauma Monster, Barb Dorrington acknowledges this struggle with tenderness and truth. She reminds us that joy is not the absence of trauma. It is the quiet rebellion against it.
Why Joy Feels Uncomfortable After Trauma:
Trauma wires our brains for survival, not joy. When you have been hurt or blindsided, your nervous system learns to stay alert, scanning for danger even when things are calm. This state, called hypervigilance, makes it hard to relax, laugh, or enjoy the moment without feeling exposed or vulnerable.
You may find yourself feeling anxious when things are going too well, distrusting peaceful moments or assuming they will not last, minimizing or avoiding joy because it feels unsafe, or feeling guilty for being happy when others are suffering.
These reactions are not wrong. They are adaptive. They helped you survive. But they do not have to guide you forever.
The Power of Allowing Joy:
Reclaiming joy is not about pretending trauma never happened. It is about making space for more than just pain. It is about teaching your body and mind that you can feel good and be safe at the same time.
As Barb writes in The Trauma Monster, even brief moments of light can shift the nervous system. Joy does not have to be loud. It can be gentle, fleeting, even silent. And it still counts.
Steps to Rebuild Your Relationship with Joy:
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Start Small: Do not force yourself to feel joy. Instead, notice when it naturally arises. A child's laugh, the smell of coffee, the warmth of the sun. These are what Deb Dana calls glimmers, tiny signals of safety and connection.
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Name the Feeling: When you do feel joy, say it out loud or write it down. "This is what calm feels like." "I am laughing and I feel safe." Naming joy makes it more familiar to the brain and body.
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Let Go of Guilt: You are not betraying your pain by feeling happy. You are expanding your capacity. Joy and sorrow can exist in the same breath.
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Create Joy Rituals: Intentionally add joy to your routine, a walk in nature, dancing to a song, calling someone who makes you laugh. These rituals help normalize pleasure and safety.
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Surround Yourself with Support: Spend time with people who celebrate your healing and do not make you feel guilty for your growth.
Joy Is Not a Luxury. It Is a Birthright:
Reclaiming joy is an act of courage. It says: I have suffered, but I am not only my suffering. I deserve to feel lightness again.
As Dorrington gently reminds us, the goal is not to live in constant joy. It is to let it back in. To allow it. To feel safe enough to experience the full range of life, from grief to laughter, from pain to peace.
Your joy is not fragile. It is resilient. And it is waiting for you to come home to it. One glimmer at a time.